Taking off the Mask

I have a Mantra: Be True Gaily 

Halloween is a time when we disguise ourselves and for one day a year we can be anyone we choose to be. 

I threw away my disguise years ago,  you see I spent many years hidden away behind a mask built on lies, deceit, low-self esteem and resentments.

It is not an easy thing to live by truth in a world of lies, deceit and corruption but I made a commitment almost twenty years ago that I would no longer live in falsehood and I took away the mask that hid my real identity.

For the first twenty plus years of my life I developed a very creative imagination and fed my need to be perfect and to avoid the condescending and degrading comments from family and my peers. I got very good at bending the truth, exaggerating and avoiding.  

This changed when I was faced with my own degradation and lack of morals,  I was so unhappy and I couldn’t make sense of fantasy and reality. Truth is about the quality of being in accord with fact or reality and facing my lack of character was my way of facing reality.

I got tired of the efforts needed to cover my tracks, it was so much work.

The first step as in any twelve step program; to admit I had a problem. I came to realize that it wouldn’t happen overnight and it would take a lot of work.

I faced the ugly carnage that was my life, my ineptitude as a parent, the conniving behaviour I had used and the admission that I was a mess and I didn’t like myself very much.

Little by little the layers began to dissipate and my true nature emerged,  for some this was not who they knew and they left my life but I was determined to change no matter what.

I read a book once that talked about facing our fears and that it is similar to walking in a dark forest and emerging into a clearing.  That forest was so dark and full of unspeakables but I pressed on and when I reached the clearing I was truly ME.  

The pain, anger, resentments and victim attitude were left behind and I opened myself to life.  My openess became my biggest quality.  I revealed my life so that it was not kept in the dark abyss of my mind where it had caused me to meet Evil Gail.

Recently I was speaking with my sister,  she reads my blog and I was worried that she would be upset at what I was writing but instead she surprised me by saying that I write what I experienced and it is my truth as I know it.  

All the events in my life have shaped me and they continue to push me on a path that is created with honesty, openess and love.

At one time in my life I was voiceless, afraid to express my opinion, constantly changing my mind and fearful of conflict, I was a chameleon constantly changing to please others and fit in.

Today I have a voice,  I am confident in my abilities and I face everything head on and I have no problem being me. Like it or lump it this is the real Gail.

Happy Halloween