I had to really think about what I was going to write about this week. My initial thought was to sugar-coat the truth but that is not the intention I had when I created this blog. Honesty is not always an easy thing especially when the ones who read my post every week are family members, friends, co-workers and peers. However if this is my forum, I need to write what I feel since it is not just about the reader but the therapeutic element writing brings to my life.
Change is imminent in my life for a few reasons; I’m maturing (still young at heart) and I am at the point in my life where I am comfortable changing behaviours that were put in place due to trauma in my life. As I shed the pounds I am also shedding a part of my identity that is no longer desired. So what does this all mean?
In the last year I’ve changed job, residence and relationship status all within a few months. I’ve tackled weight loss which is on-going and a month ago I quit drinking alcohol. Believe me this is a whole lot of things to deal with and sometimes it seems easier to step back then to move forward through the unknown.
This last weekend loneliness and my feminine wiles were at the forefront. In fact I was seeing phallic symbols everywhere, I commented on the picture below posted by my friend Jim.
|Thanks to my FB Friend Jim for this picture of the Buckhead Skyline in Atlanta ( am I the only one seeing phallic symbols???).|
I fell off the wagon, well kind of fell off the wagon and when I was face-to-face with my ex I got brave enough to ask him for a booty call. Any woman reading this might be able to relate, I would hope I am not the only one with a healthy sexual appetite.
I propositioned him to have a bit of a tryst with no emotional ties. As he sat there shaking his head and looking like I had asked him to jump off a bridge – He said “NO”.
Now at first I thought my self-esteem was going down to zero and I just about lost it on him I mean how dare he reject me but as I walked away I started to analyze the situation and talked myself back mostly in an effort not to damage myself further.
This time I had a breakthrough….He didn’t want to sleep with me because he still had feelings for me and if we had gone through with it we probably would be back together and back to being miserable since we aren’t compatible. He might of done it for selfish reasons (self-preservation) or a mix (doesn’t want to hurt me or get hurt). For whatever reason he chose to say no – I was grateful.
My self-esteem stayed unscathed and I felt grounded once again as my impulses and urges died down. If I am ever going to find love I need to love myself first. I have to know what I want, like and desire without sabotaging myself with a quickie from the ex or a drink or a piece of cheesecake. It is all about “ME”.
Song after song is written about that slip back to the familiarity of our past loves but at some point you can be lucky enough to have an ex who is willing to show strength of character and who helps you on your journey to find what you really long for and move forward.