“The definition of Insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results” – Albert Einstein
I spent the long weekend at home…a first in a very long time. Many of my friends with children will be saying (poor baby) in a sarcastic way but things are not always as they seem my friends. Pictures are taken every weekend to commemorate my “nights” out; I’m smiling and all seems honky dory but is it really?
You see it’s easy to look at a situation but much harder to see the pain behind it. My pain, the one I am avoiding dealing with and covering up with makeup and sexy clothing is there, always there no matter what. In fact it grows as I continue to feed it with bad choices and the “easy way out” mentality I adopted.
I’ve spoken about many things through this blog and now I want to expose myself even further. I’m hoping as always that what I speak about can help someone else. I’m an escape artist – It sounds very idiotic to say it in that way but the reality is that I don’t face reality well. My weekends of hitting the bars with friends are a way for me to escape day-to-day life, a way to avoid the constant reminders of perceived failures.
Like my Mother, I suffer from anxiety; it’s a constant battle to calm myself and I must say that venturing into the fantasy life of bars, clubs and the sort has enabled me to escape, running away through the drama, one night stands and beer infused oblivion helps me to forget for that moment in time.
This weekend was tough; I was fidgety, nail-biting, overeating and trying to keep busy. My stomach was overactive as my mind kicked into overdrive. It helped that I opted to babysit my grand-daughter for three of the four days, it kept me occupied but there was still room for anxiety.
I’m determined to change, to stop escaping and face reality. It’s a day-at-a-time thing that I need to master. I’m currently on hiatus from my weekend romps. An attempt to curb this habit.
As a child I didn’t have the option to escape the drama and chaos around me, I was trapped and I searched for ways to avoid it, I would sit outside and gaze at the sky in the hopes that someone would take me away. As a teenager I turned to drinking, a bit of recreational drugs and finally gambling and a string of bad relationships to cope.
Gambling was the easiest way to escape…I was fixated on a video lottery terminal that provided entertainment. For many years a single parent unable to venture out I would sit at a VLT for hours at the local convenience store while my daughter munched on chips and candies, sometimes eight hours would go by and I was still there mesmerized by the cherries.
All that is behind me now, I still drink but it’s been over twenty-five years since I dabbled with drugs and over two years since I gambled. Having an addictive personality means that I switch my focus quickly to the next thing and in this case it’s been a local bar. It’s replaced many things for me. With its colorful cast of characters, local charm and endless music; it’s helped me to hide from reality. I’ve truly enjoyed the atmosphere but it has brought with it repercussions such as weight gain and moments I wish I could erase.
So this weekend was about getting off the gerbil wheel and changing the weekend routine. The next step will be; filling the void with activities that are conducive to my transformation. The only time I roll the dice these days it’s to play my best odds at a healthy, productive and happy future.