A Song called: Complicated Gail


Lonely rose

Single life can feel like a huge burden, it brings about questions of self-worth and value.  Oh yes and apparently it means you have a low self-esteem or issues if you don’t find love.

Wanting to share your life with someone is a negative, it means you are not content with being alone or maybe even too picky.  Who wrote this a married woman or a married man?  Why is there such a stigma with wanting to have someone witness you’re life and being selective about it?  In love relationships we have so much to learn from one another, I want to learn from someone who genuinely wants to invest in teaching me, not someone who is just a substitute teacher.

With the current state of dating, how do you love when you can’t be yourself?  Many of the men out there are comfortable walking away at the first sign of trouble, they know if you won’t accept their demands – there is a line-up of women who will, how can anyone feel secure knowing their actions could mean facing loneliness again?

I am a hopeless romantic, if I was shopping for a car I would not buy the first one on the lot and the same goes with finding love.  I know what I want, the latest model in red that I will own long-term not a used car that breaks down on the highway after a month.

I used to feel lonely 24/7, I would have these unexplainable pains in my chest, it wasn’t a physical pain but I think it might have been a yearning for a deeper connection with someone. The feeling has subsided over the years, but is never gone.  As a matter of fact, of late the feeling is back.

I see happy couples walking hand in hand and I sigh!  Each day I am consumed with discovering my inadequacies, trying to fix myself, preparing for love.  Why am I not finding love? Am I looking in the wrong places?

It must be me I logically concur in answer to my endless barrage of questions; I can’t imagine that it could be anyone else’s fault.

As I creep closer and closer to my fifties I feel defeated.  Is the prospect of spending the rest of my life with someone completely off the table?

Recently I watched a short documentary about a guy named Fred, he is 96 years old.  Fred wrote a song about his deceased wife Lorraine and the video went viral.  They were together for 75 years and he still does not feel that was enough time.

I’ve watched it over and over…I love the song Sweet Lorraine, it reminds me of possibilities and I feel a bit in mourning for what could have been my song. Give it a listen it’s well worth watching this very short documentary.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t lonely and maybe for some of my friends, who are in a relationship, they feel uncomfortable hearing this, I won’t apologize for feeling lonely and I won’t hide it.  It’s time to look at loneliness in a different way, it’s not based on low self-esteem, it is based on rejuvenation.  A cleansing of the spirit if you will.

During a typical day I must meet hundreds of men, at the Starbucks, subway, elevator at work, hallway at work, while walking the dog, etc….no one notices.  They simply walk by without seeing me.  Whatever happened to asking a woman to meet for a cup of coffee?  

I keep attracting the wrong men and the roller coaster ride of past lovers, wrong lovers and “I’m not going there” lovers just keep circulating by me.

We are told to buckle up and deal with it at least that is the advice I received.  Don’t wallow in self-pity and move on. Why are we so uncomfortable with someone feeling lonely or depressed? I have many things to be thankful for but why should I hide how I feel.

So I am wearing it, my loneliness like a warm coat preparing me for the cold of winter, I am sitting in it and allowing the pain to manifest itself.  I am letting the tears flow and mourning the years I missed.  I am contemplating lying in bed without arms to hold me.  My lips feel like they are pruning from lack of kissing.  I am longing for a walk in the park holding hands and dreading watching another romantic movie alone.  I want a song called: Complicated Gail (who is going to write it?)

The faith is there but I won’t deny the pain, I am entitled to feelings and this is the feeling I have. I am not looking for a quick fix or someone to take pity on me, just some acceptance and no judgement about how I feel. Let me feel lonely:))

Single life can feel like a huge burden but carrying it and working your way through it can be the game changer.

3 comments

  1. “So I am wearing it, my loneliness like a warm coat preparing me for the cold of winter, I am sitting in it and allowing the pain to manifest itself. I am letting the tears flow and mourning the years I missed. I am contemplating lying in bed without arms to hold me. My lips feel like they are pruning from lack of kissing. I am longing for a walk in the park holding hands…”

    those words just about sum it up for me too….so totally get it….

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  2. Gail, this could have been written for me too… I have had a really rough week and I wish that people could understand more what you just wrote… Yes I am happy in so many aspects of my life and I am totally grateful, I am blessed… but… I am lonely, the sad thing is that I have found the man that I love and now even though it didn’t work out… I know I will walk through this life alone and that makes me totally sad…. So well written from the heart…

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  3. I have been on both sides of the fence Gail, single and not. You can also be very lonely whilst being in a relationship too. You might have someone else in the house at night but it still seems cold and empty. You might have someone to hold your hand but there is no feeling and all is numb. You may have someone to go to the movies with but there is no conversation and that list can be endless too. Different situations but the same loneliness.

    I’ve always said, and still believe, that as long as you are alive, there is hope. As long as you don’t shut yourself off from the rest of the world, there is a chance. Things can change overnight or it may take years and I do know there is truth in this.

    I truly appreciate your honesty in sharing this.

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