I’ve stopped looking. Seriously!!! I’m not joking with you. I am not looking for a relationship.
Do you want to know why?
The truth is I don’t feel I can be in a “good” relationship…
Therapy, self-analysis, judgements, advice from friends & family and dating itself have accomplished just one thing….Convinced me that I am not capable of having a one-on-one healthy relationship at this time.
So I’m not going to wish, dream or try to have one. Believe me when I say, this is a good thing. I’ve spent way too many years telling myself the goal for me as a woman was to be in a relationship and the fact that I no longer feel I need one is an accomplishment in itself.
Guess what it means? I love myself, I no longer want to settle, I am enjoying my company, I am pursuing new interests but most of all I am being me, fully me, without hesitations, worries or boundaries.
I wrote this as a status on Facebook the other day: “You know I’m fucking beautiful is what I say to the mirror to convince the woman staring back…the swears are for emphasis cause I don’t think she is convinced.”
I guarantee you, I would have never put this status up a year ago. First of all I didn’t want others to know my flaws, I was always trying to please others and I didn’t want to come off insecure. HA!!! that has changed. I am not hiding behind a defensive wall any more. I am GAIL and I am embracing the good, the bad and the ugly.
The relationships I’ve had in the last nine years since I got divorced, if you want to call them relationships lol, were lessons I needed to learn, as I once read…bad men come along to show good women what love is really about.
When you date a man who calls you crazy for walking away from nothingness, question who is truly crazy and I can assure you it isn’t you. I’m done begging for more romance – I can buy my own flowers, I don’t need companionship – I prefer to hang out with my friends. I’m done fitting into someone else’s life, I want to enjoy mine to the fullest.
As I visualize Prince Charming now, he isn’t on a horse (by the way in Chinese Astrology I am the Horse), he isn’t perfect and he is not looking to play house in fact I have no idea what he looks like. The only image I have in my mind is of me; better, stronger, healthier, fearless with long hair and a smile from ear to ear.
I keep making small changes, they are starting to add up and this year in 2014 I will conquer.