I’m living a lie…
Quite a heavy way to start my post for the week but it needs to be said. I keep telling myself untruths about bad habits especially when it comes to smoking.
The fact is I have no idea how to give it up. A part of me wants to and I guess part of me is holding on for the lack of a better word – as a form of self-sabotage.
I’ve half heartedly tried with nicotine replacement products, pills, patches, gums and all that jazz but nothing works. I think it didn’t work because a small part of me was still on the self-destructive bender I set in motion at a young age.
In the last few months I’m showing signs of deterioration, slowly but surely I am feeling the effects of a 30+ year addiction. Shortness of breath, yucky brownish phlegm, aches and pains and of course my face reflects it all.
This little voice inside of me keeps saying…it’s too late. I go to bed at night praying to find the courage to quit. Last week I came up with a half-baked plan to wake up and tell myself “just for now I won’t smoke”. It didn’t work, as I headed down the stairs I continued straight out the door and lit up.
I go to bed at night, feeling a pain in my chest, worrying I won’t wake up to see another day and yet even that fear is not enough to make me quit.
The reason I am writing this today is that the first step to dealing with addiction is admitting you have a problem.
I have a problem.
As a smart woman who has tackled other addictions in the past I’m dumbfounded about why this cigarette has so much power over me. Even more troublesome is how little I am fighting to change it.
Today, as you my friends and God are my witness through the pages of this Blog which holds the true essence of who I am, I am asking for help and letting go.
I sometimes think the only way I could quit would be to go off somewhere and scream for a week straight while the addiction releases my body.
How do I face this demon that has gripped me most of my life and win. I need strength, I need support, I need courage, I need love.
Many people go through life saying one thing and doing another. Living one life but wishing for something else.
I am definitely one of those people, but I don’t want to be that person any more. This is my greatest battle and somehow, some way I have to tackle it once and for all.
I start now. I am not making any promises to myself or others, I am simply making a conscious decision to quit. This isn’t about my daughter or grand-daughter, friends, relatives or co-worker. The bottom line is I just admitted in this post that I am addicted and lying to myself about it.
I’m tired of being the person who is living life on the sidelines wishing I was someone else.
Doing Something Different brings about greater coherence in an individual. Small new behaviours affect both elements of the self and helps to bring them into alignment. Many people go through life saying one thing and doing another. Living one life but wishing for something else.
I’m not going to live this fake life any more and I am not going to wait until tonight, tomorrow or next week.
It starts today.
If you still smoke…
Quit now. Every day you dedicate to this habit steals more of your life from you and from those who love you. Don’t fall for the misguided thinking that it’s too late for you to quit smoking. That’s nicotine addiction talking – what’s called junkie thinking. It’s never too late to quit smoking. As soon as you put down that last cigarette, the benefits begin.