I’m living a Lie


I’m living a lie…

Quite a heavy way to start my post for the week but it needs to be said.  I keep telling myself untruths about bad habits especially when it comes to smoking.

The fact is I have no idea how to give it up.  A part of me wants to and I guess part of me is holding on for the lack of a better word – as a form of self-sabotage.

I’ve half heartedly tried with nicotine replacement products, pills, patches, gums and all that jazz but nothing works.  I think it didn’t work because a small part of me was still on the self-destructive bender I set in motion at a young age.

In the last few months I’m showing signs of deterioration, slowly but surely I am feeling the effects of a 30+ year addiction. Shortness of breath, yucky brownish phlegm, aches and pains and of course my face reflects it all.

This little voice inside of me keeps saying…it’s too late.  I go to bed at night praying to find the courage to quit.  Last week I came up with a half-baked plan to wake up and tell myself “just for now I won’t smoke”.  It didn’t work, as I headed down the stairs I continued straight out the door and lit up.

I go to bed at night, feeling a pain in my chest, worrying I won’t wake up to see another day and yet even that fear is not enough to make me quit.

The reason I am writing this today is that the first step to dealing with addiction is admitting you have a problem.

I have a problem.

As a smart woman who has tackled other addictions in the past I’m dumbfounded about why this cigarette has so much power over me.  Even more troublesome is how little I am fighting to change it.

Today, as you my friends and God are my witness through the pages of this Blog which holds the true essence of who I am, I am asking for help and letting go.

I sometimes think the only way I could quit would be to go off somewhere and scream for a week straight while the addiction releases my body.

How do I face this demon that has gripped me most of my life and win.  I need strength, I need support, I need courage,  I need love.

Many people go through life saying one thing and doing another. Living one life but wishing for something else.

I am definitely one of those people, but I don’t want to be that person any more.  This is my greatest battle and somehow, some way I have to tackle it once and for all.

I start now.  I am not making any promises to myself or others, I am simply making a conscious decision to quit.  This isn’t about my daughter or grand-daughter, friends, relatives or co-worker.  The bottom line is I just admitted in this post that I am addicted and lying to myself about it.

I’m tired of being the person who is living life on the sidelines wishing I was someone else.

Doing Something Different brings about greater coherence in an individual. Small new behaviours affect both elements of the self and helps to bring them into alignment. Many people go through life saying one thing and doing another. Living one life but wishing for something else. 

I’m not going to live this fake life any more and I am not going to wait until tonight, tomorrow or next week.

It starts today.

If you still smoke…

Quit now. Every day you dedicate to this habit steals more of your life from you and from those who love you. Don’t fall for the misguided thinking that it’s too late for you to quit smoking. That’s nicotine addiction talking – what’s called junkie thinking. It’s never too late to quit smoking. As soon as you put down that last cigarette, the benefits begin.

Quit now.

 

20 comments

  1. Hi Gail,
    This really struck a cord with me. Its a constant battle, having tried on numerous occasions to kick the habit. Im normally a very stubborn person when it comes to something I want, but the junkie always seems to take over. Many times I wish for a quick fix or a pill that will make everything right.
    I wish you all the best in your battle,

    Eddie

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    • Ed I am going to say the same thing to you that I just said to my daughter, she said the fact is I really don’t want to quit. We never do but living with a crutch means you are never standing on your own two feet. Stop wondering why or how? That is what I am doing now. I’m working to stand on my own two feet regardless of how I feel about smoking.

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      • My Doc said the same thing when I went to him, ‘Your not ready’, because you dont want to quit! Yes I do really enjoy it but also I have this little voice that creeps up now and again telling me to cop on.
        You have made your stand today, hopefully I can do the same.

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  2. Both my parents smoked the entire time I gre up. Somehow, I never started. My dad bit it a few years ago from smoking, he was 67. Luck to you lady. You are one helluva tough chick (meant with all the respect in the world) I know you can do it!

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  3. I quit smoking a few years back after smoking a pack a day for years. Just went cold turkey.

    Haven’t been as successful with some of my other bad habits, though. My head manages to twist into all sorts of weird shapes to convince me that I have an excuse to keep going…

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  4. Quitting smoking is hard Gail… I quit for 12 years and went back. I quit many times for close to a year… I am glad to see that you have the desire to quit, I am sure you will overcome the addiction eventually… we will never give up on bettering ourselves 😉

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  5. It took many attempts and approaches, but I’ve now been cig-free for almost 10 years so it CAN be done. For me (and my partner) the drug Champix/Chantix finally worked. It turns off the ‘pleasure’ you get from a smoke so it becomes a pointless exercise. Bonus was a general feeling of well-being! While some hardly souls do quit cold-turkey using nothing more than will-power, I think the chance of success is better with science. Good luck!

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  6. Great courage in admitting this on your blog. Addiction is a powerful word. Good for you for putting it out there.
    I smoked 2-3 packs a day for several decades, and although it took me 3 or 4 tries, I quit on June 11, 1985. I have had a few setbacks over the years – when my mother died I smoked for a week but quit right away before it got me again. She died from complications of smoking, and watching someone die that way is a good motivator to “stay clean,” for sure!
    Yes, I’ve put on some weight, but I don’t get out of breath and my sense of smell returned after a few years – glorious! Your body does repair itself, but it takes time – that’s why you need to quit now.
    Tips:
    1. Simple, but truly one minute at a time. Not even one day at a time. Just don’t smoke this minute.
    2. Go for walks. It lifts your spirits and reminds your lungs what oxygen is.
    3. Ask someone to be your support person. Ask them to call/email you every day and ask how it’s going. This should be someone who really cares, because you’ll need this caring encouragement for many, many months. Accountability is so important for breaking an addiction – break that cycle of secrecy and shame and invite someone to shine a light in there for you every day. Even twice a day.
    4. Pray, if you do. Even if you don’t. This takes supernatural power. You may laugh, but I put a small picture of Jesus in the ashtray of my car (a difficult place for me not to smoke) to remind me that life is worth living to the full and we have power to do that if we choose to connect with it!
    Many blessings on your journey towards health!

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  7. So happy to see you dropped by my blog. I am checking yours out now. BTW- I lost my Father to smoking 21 years ago. He was only 63 years old. Way to young to die. Take care! Alesia

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      • Thank you. He was warned by his surgeon 5 years prior to stop smoking. He had part of his lung removed. He really did slow down though, but after a 30 year career in the Army and cigarette smoking since he was knee high to a bull frog–it was just tough for him to stop. I feel bad for those that are so addicted as I know it is a very difficult habit to break. I never smoked, but I think if I had started I would have got addicted like him. My mother on the other hand stopped cold turkey when she was in her 30’s and has never smoked another one since. She is still alive today. : ) Talk with you again real soon. I actually am an RN. I spent many conversations with patients about stopping the habit, but I tried to tread real lightly because I know how hard of a thing it is to do.

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