In Heavy Shifting I mentioned towards the end of the post that I wouldn’t even date myself right now!
As a woman who expressively and categorically states a desire for a relationship more than anything in life I am absolutely ironic, not iconic and it is simply not saying much about my current “Love Frame of Mind.”
I’ve spent a great amount of time searching for someone who would be a great fit, not actively as in – grabbing a guy off the street and saying “hey buddy you are the one for me”, although it could be quite funny to see the reaction.
I inventory each man walking by, standing beside me on the bus and sitting across on the subway. He’s too tall, does not look happy, not enough hair, too much facial hair, too big, too well dressed, not taking care of himself, too loud, too shy, too quiet, too into himself.
One thing I can honestly say is when it comes to the male gender I have a difficult time with physical imperfections. I know it sounds very shallow; after all I’m a flawed human-being myself. The reality is I don’t think I have a difficult time with physical imperfections at all I just think I am really good at making excuses about someone’s potential as my partner.
I picture many things about my proposed mate but I have never really looked at what I am bringing to the table or actively sought to situate myself in a vulnerable environment to really find someone.
Are you seeing the pattern yet? Here is the reality what I want most and fear most are one and the same.
I think it’s time for me to do a self-inventory not listing character traits I can choose from a list but rather an in-depth look at who I am today.
I found the following guide to a personal self-inventory online, I will along with you answer these questions to assess where I am currently at, and my answers will be in bold.
I’m finally ready to break the chains that bind me. I’ve heard from others who I am, what I’m about and it’s time to see who is right. I know one of my flaws is I am extremely bucky – refusing to waiver when I think I’m right, like a buck (male deer).
To do a personal self-inventory of your life, take time right now to ask yourself these simple but life-exposing questions:
- Are you generally happy? Sometimes I am happy but it fluctuates
- Are you generally sad? Since this is the opposite of the first question I would say sometimes I am sad but it fluctuates
- Do you feel free or do you feel trapped? I feel trapped
- Are you content or are you stressed? Stressed
- Do you live with joy and love or do you live with sadness and fear? I live more often with sadness and fear than I would like to.
- Are you holding on to pain from the past, or have you taken time to let go, heal, and move forward? I’ve taken time to let go, heal and move forward.
- Are you in a healthy, harmonious relationship, or are you in a relationship that is full of turmoil, regret, and sadness? I am not in a relationship.
- Is your life in balance, or are you living from one dramatic episode to another? I’m living from one dramatic episode to another.
- Do you hold resentment or do you have forgiveness? I still have a bit of resentment but I’ve worked on forgiveness.
- Do you live with trust, or do you live in fear that somehow those around you will do you harm? I live with more fear than I should, I’m working on it.
- How is your self-image? Not great at the moment but I’m working on it.
- Do you like what you see when you look in the mirror? No, I don’t see the glow I once had. I feel like a beached whale.
- Do you feel healthy and fit, or do you live as a victim of illness? I am working on getting healthy and fit but I’ve spent a bit too much time being a victim of illness.
- Do you have dreams and goals that you are striving for, or do you just live day to day, allowing whatever shows up to form your life? I was living day to day but it doesn’t work for me, I am working on having goals and dreams to strive for.
- Do you appreciate all that you have around you, or do you take your positive circumstances for granted? I take positive circumstances for granted for myself but I try to appreciate what is around me for the sake of others.
- Do you give back to those less fortunate, or do you hold on to your possessions tightly and believe in scarcity? I do both, with some belongings I hold on tightly but I never want to be a person that doesn’t help others.
- Do you have self-love? I’m working on it.
So if I wrote an ad right now seeking a partner it would sound something like this:
I am sometimes happy. I get stressed out easily and I feel trapped. I am fearful and avoid drama at any cost. I look and feel like a beached whale without a glow. I don’t really like myself but I’m looking for someone to love me. I have no goals or dreams and although I love helping others I am not about helping myself.
Wow! Again I wouldn’t date me right now! –
To end on a positive note – this is the beginning of a new journey, I will work on the things I can change and I will get to a point where I adopt a “Love Frame of Mind.”
PS: I did not get a chance to take the before picture I promised in my last post as I was away all weekend however I will post it next week.