My daughter hit the nail right on the head this weekend.
We were having a discussion about relationships this weekend and I was explaining to her that most of the guys I meet just aren’t worth my time.
I am now on a dating site, I barely feel the need to put an effort in to conversation. When I have to respond it has been out of courtesy more than interest.
The reality is that no matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to find a reason to let myself be open to the possibilities of a relationship. The minute something doesn’t go according to this plan I have created over the years I orchestrate a reason to run away.
We were discussing our reactions to anger, it is and has always been my response to walk away.
She opened up about how she finally stopped running away from situations in her life…her boyfriend didn’t let her go.
That is the thing, no one has ever loved me enough to hold on when I walk away.
I don’t know what prompted this reaction in the first place, maybe it was something that happened when I was a kid (my parents’ abusive relationship, my battles with weight and confidence, lack of opportunity)
I know I had many nightmares about being chased by wolves, I would jump off the cliff to get away…I’m still jumping.
What I love about my daughter is her willingness to help me grow. She told me she won’t let me run away next time we have an argument.
My grand-daughter is starting to show this same behaviour and frankly we both don’t want her to go through this tortuous hell.
By running away you don’t just avoid the conflict, you avoid intimacy as well. It’s a way to say “I’m giving up on you before you have a chance to leave me.”
There are two reasons that cause someone to run away –
FEAR OF FAILURE
Perhaps the biggest reason people avoid confrontation is rooted in a fear of failure. If involved in a romantic relationship, the person might be afraid that confrontation will result in the loss of the relationship.
Others are concerned about not getting their point across and failing in that aspect.
Many people are afraid of rejection and emotional pain and feel that avoiding confrontation is the best way to avoid these hurtful feelings.
FEAR OF HARM
Some people avoid confrontation because they are afraid of how the other person is going to respond. Human beings are equipped with the fight-or-flight instinct that causes them to assess a situation before they decide whether to face it or to run away.
People who avoid confrontation could be afraid that harm is going to come to them by confronting the other person. Therefore, they avoid the situation altogether, and not dealing with the other person’s anger.
I think in my case it is a bit of both – a fear of failure and a fear of harm. It is what I need to work on now, I can’t keep doing this to myself and others.
Deep in my heart I feel I could be a great partner in a relationship someday but the reality is without working on these issues, it will be doomed before it starts.
I just hope someday I meet someone who genuinely loves me enough not to let me go or at least chase me, try to catch me.
I think if someone had done that over the years I would have stopped running a long time ago.