I’m free, alive and in love with the world, I am embracing true love now & forever in my life.
I am no longer emotionally or physically numbing myself or living in a fabricated world that resembles a scene from Alice in Wonderland as she falls in the rabbit hole.
I don’t meet a rabbit on my journey down the imaginary hole to Gail’s Wonderland, well maybe one bad bunny and at least one of my ex’s could be a reincarnation of the Mad Hatter but I digress, the truth is for years I fell and fell into a bottomless abyss.
I viewed myself as a fuck up, not good enough for anything or anyone and always needing to catch up to everyone else. Constantly trying to figure out this formula I thought existed to decode “a perfect life”.
I felt I was different and I craved to be normal. I wanted to be perfect but felt imperfect in every way. I spent years and years and years questioning WHY? only to find no answer existed.
There was no logic, no definitive answer, no absolute solution, I was in my own ill-created Wonderland.
Alice quickly discovers during her travels that the only reliable aspect of Wonderland that she can count on is that it will frustrate her expectations and challenge her understanding of the natural order of the world.
In Wonderland, Alice finds that her lessons no longer mean what she thought, as she botches her multiplication tables and incorrectly recites poems she had memorized while in Wonderland.
Even Alice’s physical dimensions become warped as she grows and shrinks erratically throughout the story. Wonderland frustrates Alice’s desires to fit her experiences in a logical framework where she can make sense of the relationship between cause and effect.
I was a scared little girl like Alice, who never grew up. I blamed everyone and everything, forgetting to forgive myself for the pain I caused myself.
I concocted a set of rules that not even I could live up to, held beliefs that were unattainable and all the while I put on a smile, helped others around me while I died inside feeling unlovable and angry.
The hole, the beliefs, the rules, the analytical deciphering and that hollow space inside me they are all gone!!!
What remains is a woman who is changing not just for the sake of changing or to hear herself say the words I’m changing but because she has actually decided to stop killing herself.
Are you shocked to hear that?
See, maybe I am too honest at times but I’m hoping someone reads this and can admit to feeling the same way and can start to recover as I have.
I know what cigarettes, overeating, drinking and every other bad vice can do to my life expectancy.
OK don’t shy away from this comment and please believe that this is not how I feel today – By pursuing the lifestyle I did I was choosing not to live a long life. – You might say well that isn’t killing yourself but I disagree.
I was making a conscious choice not too grow old. I was in essence taking my life into my own hands rather than letting destiny decide and isn’t that what suicide is?
Now when I say I am free, alive and in love with the world I mean it. I no longer want to cut my life short, I don’t want to deprive my family or myself of even one day.
The past is no longer a master of my destiny and the weight of the world has lifted off my shoulders. I no longer feel that I must follow a purpose instead I feel that a purpose must follow me. I climbed out of the rabbit hole and now I walk erect with a clear and present mind.
I create my destiny and therefore I create the purpose of my being. In this moment, at this present time as I type these words my heart softly whispers “you can do it Gail” and I forget the need I once had for praise from others.
I surrendered myself, I am living in the moment. Cherishing every second, every minute and hour of each day.
I embrace true love now & forever. I am free, alive & in love with the world.