I have to go way back into the past today – just for a quick minute I promise.
I need to grab a memory of how wrong it felt to be a sensual creature. My mother saw it in me at a very early age and did everything she could to squash it out of fear – because she knew if she could see it, men could see it too and she knew the consequences it would lead to.
The sensuality of a woman is often discouraged because of its association with sex and sexuality. But the truth of the matter is that although sexuality can be sensual, sensuality doesn’t always have to be sexual!
I worked ever so tirelessly to rein it all in and hide it at all costs, I believed equipped with my Mother’s fears and the reaction of men around me that this left me vulnerable to becoming a woman of disrepute. I will never get married (yet I did) and men will never take me seriously (yet they did).
Of course they won’t see my sensuality peeking out of an oversized mid-section, somehow this was my way to try to stuff it all back into the box at the back of my mind labelled “open with caution.”
I will simply work at making myself oblivious to enjoying anything, I will pre-occupy myself with how I appear to others and just focus on that for the rest of my life.
Be Good, Be Normal and for God Sakes don’t let your Sensuality show!!!
Well, that thinking has just gots to go!!!
How many years do I have left on this earth? I want to spend them enjoying life to the fullest as my true self without worrying about the opinions of others.
Marilyn Munroe said it best – Being Normal is Boring – and it isn’t me. So I enjoy being coy, coquette with a joie de vive, what is wrong with that?
Women who are aware of what feels good to them, what arouses their senses (not only their sexual ones) ooze sensuality. A knowingness. These women understand this looks like confidence, but smells like seduction. Empowerment. Being in possession of yourself.
I long to look at my body without anger, to see the wrinkles on my face as laugh lines rather than stretch marks from the wincing at possibly appearing the least appealing to a man.
My fear of what I presumed to be sexuality has not served me well, I dress down to hide it and I certainly forget to embrace this part of myself. I’m angry at men for responding to what I’ve perceivably hidden away.
Looking over my shoulder has left me stiff and downright intellectual. I despise my own body and yet it is crying out for attention – like a friend wondering what did they do wrong to lose your friendship, I have simply distance myself from being the sensual woman I was meant to be.
Sensuality is part of being human and living in the moment! fully embracing this sensuality and your sensual experiences, along with your status as a sensual being, is part of how to become a feminine woman!
One of my favourite French songs in my early teens was:
I was caught between the desire to be the perfect Daughter that my Mother always wanted and the desire to be a free, sensual, a pure feminine woman.
I want to embrace it all (the good, the bad and the ugly).
By finally giving myself unconditional love and compassion I can bypass the self-sabotage and see a more accurate picture in my life, work and relationship.
Being mindfully in touch with my sensuality is nothing more than giving myself permission to have fun in the moment: to lighten up and stop taking everything so seriously — to be in the present and connected, and to be honestly who I am.